I'm Baaaaaaacckkkk!!!!!!!!!!

Alright.........its been a long-ass time since my last post, which was in November of last year to be precise.......but now I'm back for 2005 ........ filled with more cynicism and sarcasm then ever before!!!

First things first....I think I'll be making some changes to the content of my blog.......I read through some of my old posts and I'll be damned if they don't seem like freaking essays.......so I'll try my best to write smaller,more compact and digestable blog posts this time around....cos it'll be the only way I can even update this blog on a regular basis......don't worry my posts are not gonna start being about mundane everyday stuff that happens to me (Like For e.g : 8.45 am.......I'm still sick and I took a shit and I'm going back to bed now...nitez) and it 's still gonna be filled with the trademark sarcasm everyone loves.......surreal experiences and other weird-ass/ out of this world crap that don't happen to anyone on God's green earth but me.....

So anyways........its been a tiring past few weeks for me.........I've been sick since thursday two weeks ago.........and lemme tell you being sick sucks donkey balls man....luckily I dun fall sick more than twice a year.....but the downside is everytime I fall sick......its gonna last for a good week at least.......

I tell you when I'm sick......my body does some bizarre shit that I have absolutely never experienced before.....here's some of the stuff that's happened to me ........for the first 3 days of being sick....I started having full-blown hallucinations when I sleep at night .......with mathematical equations and numbers literally floating around my head.....and this goes on for like 4 hrs a night for 3 days.......I sleep at 12 am.......hallucinate and stone until 4 am and then i pass out from sheer exhaustion after that.........

Then whenever I go to Bed......I'm literally freezing my butt off when I go to sleep......but every morning when I wake up....my entire set of clothes is drenced with sweat......apparently its a side effect of the medication I have to take.....where it helps you to sweat the fever out.......and boy is taking this medication just before going for classes a BIG mistake........I had one of My business meetings in Blk 72 Level 3-01 and the freaking air condition system in this class is damn effing cold.......so I went to class after ingesting my medication.....and while practically half the class were like huddled and shivering in their sweaters and jackets ......I was sweating like I was in a goddamn sauna........

And Oh yeah........ have I mentioned the constipation part yet??? 6 days......6 MOTHER-EFFING DAYS of not going to the toilet.....lemme tell you if the hallucinations and cold sweating don't drive you nuts.....being constipated for 6 days will......cos feeling like somebody stuck a thumb up ur ass and having a permanent expression on your face that looks like Renee Zellwegger sucking on a goddamn lemon will surely make you beg on ur knees for a quick death......

Of course then there is the obligatory headaches, bad appetite and coughing............but I'm glad to say I'm feeling much better now, after ingesting 5 different kinds of medication and being doped up to my balls everynight for the past 1 week and a half..........I'm finally up and ready to wreak more havoc.......yup....also my nipples are back in the pink of health now...thanks for asking..........the lasting consequences arising out of the fever however was losing like 6 kg of weight and having my waist line goe down by two sizes........so Now I'm like 59 kg with a 27 waistline with some allowance to spare........the scary thing? I weighed exactly 59 kg when I was in sec 3 which either means I am pretty slim now or pretty fat back then.......come to think of it it could also mean that I haven't grown in mass since sec 3...........but I like to think I've grown alittle since sec 3.....especially in the lower anatomical areas....hahaha.....yup ........I'm making myself sick again.......hahaha

So with the whole sickness thing behind me......flashforward to yesterday.......Every marketing student had to come back to school during study week to collect some stupid-ass survey form from stupid-ass Jonas Lee..........goddamn it....this bloody Jackass Jonas is always making me lose money.....everytime he wants to scare us by saying that we should'nt be late and if we're later than him we are marked absent.....so have to force myself to take cab for whatever lessons or meetings my class have with him....and for EVERY freaking meeting or tutorial he will be late like for 45 mins to an hour which basically means I'm practically burning my money taking cab cos he is never on time and there ain't no reason to rush to school.....

This bloody George Lam Lookalike is really useless lar........always cancelling lesssons and making empty threats......so he makes us rush to school at 11 am and he turns up only at 11.45 am with his stack of surveys that is short of a couple of hundred pages.......so we eneded up having to print some the survey forms ourselves.......haiz the freaking survey form consists of 8 pages and you'll have to spend literally half and hour to complete each survey form.....plus we got to do the survey in a door to door style.....and you can't survey any of you own friends,family or relatives.......I wonder who in their right mind will waste half and hour of their lives to do a freaking survey........I gotta do like 11 of this surveys and for some odd reason its stated on my control list that I have to make sure like 5 outta the 11 survey respondents I have are Indians........where in Holy hell am I gonna find so many banglas? Yo.....I got Indian friends but finding five freaking tambhis??! What do You think I am.....some construction site owner or mama store boss?!

Yar and one more thing......boy does Jonas Lee's english stinks to high heaven for someone who is reputedly an extremely experienced Market research manager.......lots of typos and just completely bizarre English in his survey forms......there was this section about Gambling in the survey and one of the question goes like this:

"Have you played in any forms of betting games including those with friends, Fruit machines, illegal bookies or legalised S-league, 4-D ect within the last year?"

Fruit machines???!Fruit machines?!........I wondered what the hell was a fruit machine for a good long while before it hit me.....Its called a Freaking Jackpot machine Jackass Jonas!!!!!!Fruit machines indeed.....yeah....people can gamble with papaya slices and Balls of Rambutan..........fer crying out loud......Jonas Lee seems to think that Grapes is the only picture that appears in a Jackpot machine......well there's also Bells and other pictures You Mustachio monkey!!!

But that wasn't the most laughable one yet......at the back of the survey,there was a demographics section where you had to fill in your personal particulars and in the religion section,there was this peculiar question:

Religion:
1)Buddhist 2)Taoist 3)Moslem
4)Christian 5)Catholic 6)Hindu
7) Others 8) Free Thinker

Moslem?! M-o-s-l-e-m?!!! Is that some new Religion dedicated to Mos Burger fans that I dunno about?!! Jonas......after doing Market research for decades.......you still can't spell the names of one of the world's dominant religions right?!! Oh and when one of the students pointed out this glaring mistake to Jonas........guess what he said?!...."Oh there are different ways to spell Muslim...Moslem also can."..........Yeah effing right Mustache boy, theres only one way to spell Muslim and its M-U-S-L-I-M........there are different ways to pronounce Muslim..... like some poeple pronounce it as "Moose-Lim" or "Mos-lim" but only one way to write the word lar..........oh and if you really wanna be picky......Buddhist,Taoist,Muslim,Christian are'nt the name of the religions lar.....its the name of the practitioners of the religion...its supposed to be Buddhism,Taoism,Islam,Christianity...............so on so Forth....

Imagine if a Muslim spent like Half a effing hour of his life doing a 8 page survey and at the end of the survey they have this crappy question where they got the name of his religion completely wrong....I tell you if I was the person...I would saw off the head of the surveyor on camera or crash my skate-skooter into his home......or I would stuff some Mos burgers sideways up his ass......moslem indeed Jonas......I thinkYour religion is not Moslem....You're MOST-LAME lar!!!!!

Haiz ........another headache coming up.....My Designing Pormotional Materials project presentation is coming and I must come up with a logo,brochure,poster and E-trailer......shit....because next week and this week are study week and test week,there are no DPm lessons ....so the teacher for DPm won't be teaching us anything for this two weeks and when we see him again its time for the project presentation......how I'm gonna be able to pull out an E-trailer from my ass I have no idea......

Aanyways....I managed to squeeze in a movie during this week, I finally watched Kung Fu Hustle on VCD..........and bloody hell,its not very good leh........its not very funny at all like the trailers makes it out to be....and I think there are only like 2 or 3 genuinely funny scenes in the movie and almost all of them are featured in the trailers already....basically this film is just a showcase for old has-been kungfu stars from the old Shaw Brothers movies in the 60's and 70's.........but one of the characters in the movie reminds me of one of my friends.......the super-powerful landlady in her pyjamas who's super fierce,likes to beat people up and has this huge,earth-shaking voice..........hmmmmmm.......whoever could this character remind me of?!!...........I WEN tell you who it is now....ask me again in the month of JUNe..........hahhahahaha.....

Got my service marketing management common test next week....and I gotta say its been nice having an entire week just to study for one common test.......well that's about it from me for now.........looking back at this post, I must say....I've failed in revamping the content of my blog........it still looks like a freaking essay......oh well Maybe next time.......I promise that the word count for my next post will be below.....hmmmmm......500 words?!hahahha........

Birthday Bash....and I do mean BASH!!

It's been a pretty long while since my last post...you know after the incident with my uncle Ben...I was kinda glad in a way....I was thinking...wow...the most embarrassing thing has already happened to me...I've seen the worst...things can only get better for me right?Ain't no nothing more emabarrassing that can happen correct?Nothing can top the awkward incident wif my uncle.....right??Right?!Right dear sweet God??!!...............WRONG.........Leave it to My dear buddies(Ha!) and pals(Ha!) in TBO3 to prove to me that there are still new Frontiers of personal embarassment that I have yet to encounter...... hahaha

Let me try to recall the surreal and traumatic incident yesterday as best as I can.....cos I'm still recovering from having my head smashed into a whole cheese cake at 60 km/per hr while being filmed by some bangla camera man from Channel News Asia...........TWICE!!....but I'm fine.....the doctor said I'll be okay....just some slight amnesia....he said that the memory loss from the concussion wun be too great...I'll just lose maybe the past 10 years worth of memories........whenever I look at my list of friends in Friendster.com...I can't seem to remember 3/4 of the people listed.....weird......in fact I can't seem to remember why I have hair in my armpits and other parts of my body.......it wasn't there the last time I remembered......strange.....

Anyway yesterday on the 22nd of November.....my "Dear" friends decided to throw me a birthday bash in advance for my twentieth birthday.....haha...little did I suspect that when they said "Birthday Bash"......they really mean "Birthday Bash" with a very heavy emphasis placed on the "Bash" part....%$&@@*

The Thing was held at Fish and Co at Park Mall.....and I arrived well You know just a wee bit late for the gathering...and as usual my wonderful friend Wenjun began calling my handphone off the hook and bugging me to get to park mall as soon as possible ....for the whole journey...all the way from one end of the expressway to the other.........I gotta said Wenjun has one of the most amazing voices I have ever heard.....and when I said amazing.....I dun mean she sounds like Shania twain or Alicia Keys....I mean its amazing that even though I set my handphone volume at the minimum level....her voice still manages to break the sound barrier and be loud enough for the person beside me to hear her......amazing........You know everytime I want to know what a live Rock concert sounds like...I just switch my HP voume to maximum when I'm talking to her on the phone......ahhahahah......alright I think I better stop.....I sense more pain coming my way the next time I meet her.....hi wenjun...please put down the fila bag slowly...hahhaa

So I finally got there and My "dear"" sweet" and "wonderful" pals Felix,Candy,Wenjun,Huiling,Geraldine,Peishan,Mixin and Rainbow were waiting for me......and I sat my butt down,chatted wif them,made fun of indians and fat CEOs and shared this big ass seafood platter with Felix ........all the while completely blissfully unaware of the fate that awaited me......

After dinner........my nightmare began...the staff from Fish and Co brought out the Birthday Cake and then you know I had to go through some bizarre Birthday ritual where I have to stand on the chair,hold a lighted sparkler and try to extinguish the candles standing on the chair while the staff at Fish and Co ,led by this fat bangla boy who looked like he's been eating one too many seafood platters, sang this birthday rhyme thing that sounded like something outta an episode of Barney and friends at the top of their voice in front of a restaurant full of people........ but still that was all fine and good........ that was small potatoes compared to what happened next...hahaha...

After I blew out the candles....my "pals" told me to pick the candles off the cake wif my mouth and the next thing i know........my whole effing big fat head was smashed into the cheescake sumo style.......and den while i was barely conscious....I heard voices in the background muttering really nice and reassuring stuff like"His face got not enough cake!!!"..."smash him again!!".........and I had one second to wonder aloud:"with friends like this...who needs enemies??" before my head was smashed a second time.....this time twice as hard into the remains of the already smashed-up cheese cake......yes Huiling!!Hi buddy o' mine!...I'm talking about you......

Ah....Wonderful Huiling........the nice-tempered and harmless girl who I thought was incapable of any stuff of a violent nature proved me wrong.....hahhaha....she's been accumalating all her rage for the past two years and unleashed every last bit of it on me last nite..hahahhaa......I wonder how come she got so much rage in her???I wonder what did I do to her??hmmmmmm......was it my constant ridiculing of her Operations management part in our ECD project last year??was it me disturbing her and her classmate zhifeng and Andre's swirling six packs every time I see her??Was it me making fun of her bad english and hokkien?? Was it because I called her a sucker over and over again???For the life of me....I can't remember what I did to her............hahahaha.....

So Two years worth of rage and anger coursed through her arms as she did a 60 km/per hr WWF stone cold stunner on my face right onto the cake......smashing the rest of the cake into smithereens!!! Using my freaking face I might add!!!........after that....after that....erm...I'm not sure what happened....I could see a bright light......my life flashing across my eyes......then the world went dark.....

When I opened my cake-covered eyes...... all of them were laughing....I had cheescake smeared all over my face and hair....and I noticed that something was poking my ass on the chair......So I reached down and dug the thing out.....and when I saw my hands...it was covered in a red sticky liquid......For a second I thought that my lower anatomical area was bleeding...but then I remembered I ain't got no monthly periods.....it was actually a lump of cherries coated with some red sticky syrup from the cake that had somehow flew onto my chair after my head was smashed into the cake.........and yes.....I really wish I was joking......but I'm not...hahhahaa

Then wonderful Geraldine asked me:" Aye Barry.....How come you so stupid....why dun You use the cake to smear us when we smashed your head in the cake??"............Hmmmmm.....I dunno why dear Geraldine.....hmmmmmm....COULD IT BE BECAUSE I ALREADY BU XING REN SHI AFTER BEING SMASHED TWICE??!....hahhahaha

And the most paiseh part?? ....No it wasn't the whole part where I had to stand on the chair with some sparkler while the floor staff of Fish and Co sang some birthday rhyme to me at the top of their voice.....and no ....It wasn't because I got my face smashed into a cheese cake in a public place and in front of a restaurant packed full of people......it was because the whole damn incident was caught on film by some camera man from Channel NewsAsia!!!......Due to some cruel twist of fate or some super unfortunate case of serendipity......a film crew from Channel NewsAsia were filming some Birthday related documentary thingy at Fish and Co at the exact same freaking day ,same freaking place and same freaking time period that we were celebrating my birthday............yes ....even I wouldn't have believed something like this could happen in real life before ........well....It Happened to me!!!

I thought these bizarre,over-the-top stuff could only happen in Comedies or situational sitcoms like Seinfeld or Frasier.........it could'nt possibly happen to someone in real life could it........it sounds too implausible right??........well.....I was wrong......damn wrong..hahhaah.....in fact Channel Newsasia's live video footage of the incident is living proof of me being wrong !!!!haha..............as if getting cake smeared all over your face in a public place once wasn't bad enough....now I get to re-live that one traumatic moment again and again after it airs .....you know.......ON NATIONAL TV!!!Boy!!!what a way to make my silver screen debut!!!hahhahaa........well I guess that's life......more specifically my weird-ass life!!!

I wonder what in the world are they gonna use the head-smashing footage for?? Some local documentary on the increase of teen violence in today's society or some tv special on victims of teen abuse??I can already imagine myself being in some darkly-litted room with my face obscured in shadows being interviewed by Diana Ser about my traumatic teenage experiences......"Yes Diana....when I was 20 yrs old....I was physically and mentally abused by a group of girls and a guy...but now I have come out of the shadow of that traumatic incident after years of extensive therapy and anti-depressants."...hahahhaa...

Wah Lau....I'm still reeling from the experience man..........God can you please tell me whether this is gonna be the most embarrassing experience for me??Cos if its not....and I have more embarassing things to look forward to ...den I dun think I can carry on in life......I'll...I'll finish myself off by ...by.....throwing myself towards an oncoming Lorraine Ow when she's running for her 2.4 nafa test......cos if that doesn't kill me...nothing will!!!!!! ..........Lorraine+ running= instant death for any passerbys....haha

After the whole fiasco at Fish and Co.....I begun smelling really weird and stinky.....like regurgitated milk....turns out that when u get cheese cake smashed all over you...the ingredients in the cake coalesce and mix to produce an aroma I would describe as a cross between fresh vomit and overnight dick cheese...hahaha.......even after I washed up in the toilet the stinky smell still lingered.....my hair especially smelt real bad like I washed it using Rejoice essence of Puke shampoo and conditioner........phhhewwwww......

Wow man.......I tell you I nearly fainted from the smell myself......ahhahaha.....anyway after eating at Fish and Co....all of us decided to get a drink and chit chat...except Candy cos she was meeting her boyfriend.......we later met both of them while walking from Park mall towards Plaza Singapura and began teasing candy...hahaha...in the end we ended up drinking at Coffee express....where everyone got a wonderful free drink courtesy of Moi!!!The kindest,most generous soul on God's green Earth....Being the kind and forgiving fella and the living reincarnation of mother theresa that I am....I bought everyone a drink..even though they ganged up to make me helluva malu.........hahaha....what can I say? I was born kind.....

At the end of the day...I spent more than $80 bucks in one day....$30 for my dinner at Fish and Co and almost $50 on drinks.......on the first day of the week I must add!!!....Leaving me a broken,bleeding,battered and just plain broke man...hahhahaa

Later on I opened up the huge box of presents that they bought me...and got a good laugh..hahaha....they gave me a weird,eclectic and quirky mix of stuff that have nothing t do with each other..haha....some of which I dunno what to do with at all...heres a list of what the Box contained:

1) A red T-shirth with a picture of two sentient nuts with a tagline saying"Large Nuts for your enjoyment" - although I dun really fancy red...I really like the tagline....they got the large nuts part about me completely correct...hahaha

2) A simpsons vcd - Haha....Good stuff..I watched the vcd already yesterday....ain't nothing like seeing Homer simpson strangling his son and drinking ungodly amounts of beer to brighten up anybody's day!!

3) A "Gay" accent spray - Apparently spraying this thing on me is gonna make me gay.....and when I said gay...I dun mean the happy kinda gay.....I mean the take it up the butt homo style kinda gay.....

4) Strawberry lotion from Body Shop - wow.....This item I really dunno what to do with....what issit for??Jacking off strawberry style??hahaha..... Lubrication for the painful butt action I'll be receiving after I spray myself with the Gay Spray??! Or am I supposed to drink the whole bottle of lotion to end my shame after I see myself getting smashed onto a cake on national tv??......I get the feeling I'll be using it for the last option stated pretty soon...hahah

5) A bag of Chupa Chups - I gotta say this is the perfect gift for my current situation...after I blew $80 bucks on monday...I'll be surviving on Chupa Chups for the rest of the week.....a stick of Chupa chups for breakfast,lunch and dinner each.......well I guess its at least better than eating air....

6) A Birthday card - cool stuff.......the birthday greetings in the card included really kind and thoughtful things such as "Hey hairy man...stay hairy!!..."Buy more vcds!!" ......"How does it feel to be old and a sucker too??!!"..... and "20 yr old already and still like a kid!!".............thanks guys you really make a guy feel loved.....I feel like a childish,20 year old ,half-ape/half-man creature that smuggles vcd.....hahah.....

7) A Lamborgini Gallardo - Yeah You heard me!!!My bestest buddies bought me a freaking Lamborghini.....I love u guys!!!!......woohoo!!...Now all I gotta do is to find some way to shrink myself to the size of a toe nail clipping or a booger and I'll be able to fit inside the car!!!!!....cool stuff!!!hahahahaha...

Hahahha...awwwwwww.....are'nt you guys the sweeeeeeeeeeeeeetest??hahaha.......so I would like to say a big THANK YOU !!!!!

To Wenjun,Huiling,Felix,Candy,Mixin,Rainbow,Peishan,Geraldine and the rest of you fellas!!! Sure even though I got embarassed,nagged,smashed,bashed and ridiculed in front of National TV and ended up paying for my own freaking meal plus service charge...and spent every last drop of my money for the next two weeks...hahahhaa....its the thought that counts isn't it.....even if it happens to be some super evil,nasty thoughts.......hahhaha.....

So just to show you how grateful I am to all of you....I promise I'm gonna repay all your "kindness" a thousand fold for your individual Birthdays!!!!I promise that each and every one of you on my victims...errr....I mean Friends list is gonna have a smaaaaaaashing Good time for your upcoming birthdays!!!! .........Yessir!!! its gonna be so enjoyable that by the time I'm done with you guys....all of you are gonna need extensive reconstructive cosmetic surgery!!.....cheek implants,eye brow lifts,nose jobs and silicone chin replacements.......the whole works!!......Hell!!!screw that.....You're probably gonna need a new face by the time I'm done with you fellas!!!.........oh yeah........Payback time!!!!!!

You know ...I made a birthday wish this year......and my birthday wish is...........I don't want no more birthday celebrations EVER again!!!!!Help!!!!!!!!!!hahhaha.....its ok the next time I ask you guys why your never celebrate my birthday...just ignore me or show me the Channel News Aasia footage and you'll hear me bitch ever again......haha.....

Alright.......I spent too much time typing this effing post......hungry liao......time for dinner......wow I'm really spolit for choice...so many to choose from....Strawberry flavored Chupa Chup,Vanilla Flavored chupa chup,Cola flavored Chupa Chup or chocolate and banana chupa chup.....Instant chronic Diabetes Here I come!!!!!hahhaha

Meet My Uncle Ben...........

Alright....let's talk about Uncle Ben....

Spider-man has an Uncle Ben.....You know that wise,kind,old fart who got his wrinkled ass shot by a Burglar.............well I have an Uncle Ben of my own too...

Is My uncle Ben... a kind old fella who is endlessly nice to his nephew and someone who comes up with all sorts of cool ass tag lines like "with great power...comes great responsibilty"??........HA!!....I wish...

Now My uncle Ben(short for Benny) ........the husband of my mum's sister....is what I would call an "Acquired taste"....which means that if you know him long enough...you'll grow to accept the fact that he behaves the way he does....and it can't be helped(without intensive pychological therapy that is)........but if you dunno him at all...you would most likely open a major can of whup-ass on him for all his nonsensical antics.....

You think I'm crappy.....den you ain't seen anything yet....My uncle is a like 45 years old,a devout christian and someone who excels at asking really awkward questions at huge family gatherings that makes everyone both young and old damn pai seh and awkward.....I swear he does really weird,nonsensical stuff everytime I see him...

Like for My father's birthday,he heard about the incident about my dad spotting the bible near my bedside and looking absolutely shocked...so being a devout Christian....he told my dad that he wanted to help him see the light and the error of his ways....so he gave my father a "Gospel of John" DVD for his birthday and told my aunty to take a photo of him presenting the DVD to my father like some diploma because he said he wanted to frame up the picture of my father's expression after seeing his present......riiiight....

But that above incident is just small potatoes to him......he's capable of infinitely more wonderfully excruciating stuff.....as I soon found out....

Case in Point: We had a farewell Family dinner last saturday for myAunty who was leaving for New zealand on Sunday......and you'll never believe the shit that happened......to me.....dammit!!

We had dinner at Tiong Bahru...one of the famous seafood restaurants and after the dinner as usual....my family members and relatives began talking and catching up with each other....so i was Studying my E-marketing notes in a nice corner cos my exam was on monday.....and then my dear Uncle Benny comes walking over to my side....with a wide grin on his face which basically meant that I was gonna be in deep shit......

So this is how our conversation went:

Uncle Benny: "Hi ...wow long time haven't seen you.....come...Uncle Benny like to have a chat with you"

Me: "....... oh shit........ Ok sure!!"

Uncle Ben: " So how ....are you attached?"

Me: "Yar...haha...I'm currently attached....to my E-marketing notes...I am with them every minute of the day and I think abt them night and day without fail."

Uncle Ben: " Hahaha....let Uncle Benny teach you some things about love....firstly you must believe that Love is pure.......I'm a christian so I believe in the purity of love....you must believe in it too....your parents are good examples of a couple in love....you should learn from them."

Me: "....okay......"

Uncle Ben: " You must use your parents as a good role model and example....you must learn from them,you must believe that their love is pure,that your mum is the first woman your father fell in love with,that your Dad is the first man your mother fell in love with and that your parent's love is pure......that...they never had pre-marital sex before marriage."

Me:( "Holy shit ...please dear god tell me I did'nt hear just what I heard" expression on my face)

DIAO!!!!! Lord almighty.....He said that to me in front of my parents and all my uncles and aunties........My mum and Dad were left absolutely dumbfounded....and my aunties and uncles were like staring at both of us in quiet horror...I tell you ...I really hoped at that moment a burglar would just come outta the shadows like in the Spider-man movie and pop two bullets in my uncle's ass...or at the very least grant me a quick painless death right then and there....so then.....

*Dad looks at me speechlessly*

* I look at Dad speechlessly*

* Long awkward silence..........*

After that......my Dad and mum slowly and subtlely made their way to the other table of family relatives as if some imaginary voices were calling them from the other table ...leaving me all slone at the mercy of my uncle.....

Now Let me clarify something....I think Sex is a great topic...its fantastic,good stuff.....entertaining and fun......when you're discussing it with friends or something......but Sex+ Parents??? those are two words that I would very much like to never hear in the same sentence for lets say.....The rest of my freaking life!!!!!Shit......it just absolutely,positively grosses me out.....Its big effing' no no!!! I dun wanna talk about it,I dun even wanna think about it!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH.......I know I said the Roy singing is the scariest shit I've ever encountered..I take my words back.....Sex+ Parents wins hands down!!!!Scares the hell outta me...the merest mention of those two words make me wanna take forty showers to scrub away any bad mental imagery conjured by those two words....

Oh Fer crying out loud!!!Yes Dear Lord!!...yes!!...I've read My civics and Moral textbook in sec school..I've seen monkeys getting jiggy wif it in the discovery channel...I know that parents have to do something funny before they can concieve a child a long effing' time ago...oh but why oh why could'nt you just let me live in the fantasy world I created where my parents,my childhood paragons of virtue, never did anything even REMOTELY of any sexual nature...and that I was some test-tube baby, or...or...or... I was some divine conception from above......or better yet some baby bundled up and delivered to my parents by a giant King Fisher....OH WHY must you shatter my self created fantasy world .....Oh why Uncle Benny!??!??!........WHHHHHHHYYY??!

Ok end of rant <* deleting key words "parents" and "sex" from memory data banks://Re-installing fantasy "No sex for parents program complete*>...ok anyway after that extremely awkward moment....was the worst for me over yet??......N-freaking-O.....NO!!!

Dear old Uncle Ben continued making me feel like the most awkward sonuvagun to walk the face of the earth in front of my relatives.....

Uncle Ben:" Do You smoke?"

Me: "No......"

Uncle Ben:" Do you drink?"

Me:"No..."

Uncle Ben:" Do you want to have pre-marital sex before marriage?"

Me: "............"( "Help me God...pls end this torture" expression on my face)

After that last question my uncle called for my aunty to come over from the other table.....

Uncle Ben: " Amy come over here...wah...I really like this fella,he's a very good boy....he don't smoke,he don't drink and he said he won't have pre-marital sex!"

Me: " wait.....I did'nt say anything..."

Uncle Ben(at the top of his voice): " WHAT?!YOU MEAN YOU WANT TO HAVE PRE-MARITAL SEX??!"

DIAO!!!DIAO!!!!DIAO!!!!...............My aunty like my parents before her was left completely speechless and walked back towards her table as if some imaginary voice was calling her too...careful not to make any eye contact with my uncle and me......not only that....but guess wat, although My parents were'nt at the table...all my aunts and uncles were still there!!!...every...single....one...of them.....

Thank all the saints above that all my relatives began dispersing soon after that and I made very certain I kept at least 25 feet away from my uncle when everybody was walking towards their vehicles at the parking lot....

You know......sometimes I really wonder about life.....more specifically I wonder about all the weird-ass shit that happens to me on a regular basis in my life.......why can't I have an uncle who comes up with cool stuff like"with great powers come great responsibilty.".....instead one who comes up with stuff like"You must believe your parents never had premarital sex!!"........

Ahhhhh.......But I have to admit,he's truly made a believer out of me......because the next time I see him at a family gathering......You'll see me really praying to God...... I will be praying damn hard to God he stays far away from me!!!.....hahhaha

The Death of a Superman

Just wanted to update my blog with a short post dedicated to the Late,Great .....Christopher Reeve.....becos I gotta get back to my exam revision again.....sian...

Anyway I heard the news early this morning that Christopher Reeve.....Superman himself has passed away.Apparently he had a cardiac arrest on Saturday,fell into a coma afterwards and died on Sunday,at the age of 52.........so sad.....

For those of you who don't know him...hmmmm...which I guess is practically everyone!!.....Christopher Reeve first rose to fame Playing Superman in the 1978 Superman movie and if you people seen Smallville.....he played the wheelchair-bound Dr Swann, sorta of a mentor/friend of Clak Kent......

Anyway....I just watched the 1978 Superman movie after I heard the news of his death after watching the movie......I realised that it could have been such a big disaster without Christopher Reeve......he made you forget the fact that dressing up in a yellow,blue and red suit with your underwear on the outside is just plain dumb and silly......he brought such presence and charm to his role that throughout the film that you won'treally mind or bother that he is wearing his underwear outside and I think that's no easy feat......

Not every actor can do that....you put some actor without the charisma and respectability in the Superman suit....he'll just look like some retarded cosplay/super-hero-fetish gay bunny....but Christopher Reeves actually wore the suit and made you believe that he was Superman....with his jet-black hair ,his trademark curl and his wonderful blue eyes.....

I don't think any actor really embodied a Comic Character as well as Christopher Reeve....he was a unknown actor who appeared out of nowhere and became the perfect physical embodiment of Superman.....he looks like he walked off the page of a comicbook..I can't imagine anyone else but him as Superman....

Years later, he became paralyzed from the neck down after a serious horse-riding accident in 1995...where he was thrown off his horse.....He spent the next 9 years of his life trying to overcome paralysis and he made some really impressive improvements.....after a few years he had regained feeling of one of his index fingers and could breathe and speak without the use of a respirator that made him sound like Darth Vader with a bad case of asthma....his only wish that he would been eventually be able to walk normally again,on his own.... with his family...

It's sad that We will never be able to see him walk again......he was making a lot of physical improvements and I was expecting him to walk again one day because somewhere deep down, you always felt like Superman doesn't get beaten. This wasn't part of the script. The fact that he's lived nine years after what would have been, to anyone else, a fatal accident shows how much spirit the guy had and how passionate he was about getting his life back..............

Pheww....I never sounded so serious in my life...hahhaa....yes....It's all true I'm a really compassionate person....really I am....especially to people in colorful tights and capes...

So dearly Beloved.....lets have a moment of silence for Christopher Reeve.....hey wait a minute...I...I....I ain't no Christian...alright screw the moment of silence thingy!!It's okay....just wear your red underwear outside your pants in remembrance of him....that'll be enough..

Anyway.....The Tagline for the 1978 Movie was " This summer.....You'll believe a man can Fly."

I would like to dedicate this post to Christopher Reeve who made us believe that a man can fly.

RIP Superman!!!



Christopher Reeve (1952- 2004)

PS.....Stop looking at his portruding crotch area pls!!!

Update Time!!

Haven't updated my blog for a while....been pretty darn busy these past few days....

Finally Went through my IBS second call last friday.....what a relieve...finally it's over and done with!!...well...until the third and final call that is....surprisingly things went quite smoothly,Mr Chua was pretty sane and not too obnoxious throughout the second call and he said he liked my demonstration alot.......I brought two thermal flasks of freshly brewed coffee(one was brewed from "My company's" arabica coffee beans and the other was brewed from my "Competitor's" beans) and ziplock bags of coffee beans and coffee powder for my demonstration....where I conducted a taste and smell taste.....

But guess what?That fella did'nt take a drop of coffee that I brought...he just whiffed the two cups of coffee I poured him and was pretty impressed by the aroma.....wah kao...waste my time brewing the two flasks of coffee and buying such expensive coffee beans($35 per kg!!)........so in the end,after I finished my presentation...I had to clear my products from his table and to poured down two freaking cups of hot coffee into my mouth.....Simultaneously I must add!!! since the other guy was waiting outside liao cos my presentation over shot the time limit.......haiz but at least got a "B+"....which is the best grade Chua is willing to give his students...

After IBS, I caught a movie in town with Felix,Wenjun and Huiling......we wanted to watch "13 going on 30" but then limited seats left and only certain theatres were playing the movie....so we caught "The Terminal" instead.......

I thought it was gonna be a fairly long and boring movie...but surprisingly it was pretty good.....funny,touching and entertaining.....and lots of humorous bits throughout the film....Tom Hanks's acting was great.....funny,charming and he does a pretty good quasi-russian accent....and Catherine Zeta Jones was as lovely as ever......but I gotta say the greatest,coolest Break-out character from the film was that damn bangla cleaner......Gupta!!He was Spouting conspiracy theories,running after planes with a mop stick, hatching evil schemes to make passengers slip and fall and juggling plates too......that black mofo was pure comedy gold man!!!

All in all a pretty good film.......everything tied up in a neat and sweet manner in the end....although Tom hanks got trapped for 9 months in an airport....he still managed to score some hot krakozian-styled action with Catherine Zeta Jones....if that's not a happy story...I dunno what is!!Hell....that's a pretty damn good deal if you ask me....where can I sign up?!

As for this week.....been a tough week man....

Had to take my Market Research Common test on Monday....set by super-slacker and professional George Lam impersonator...Jonas Lee.The Paper was damn hard man....I did'nt know what the hell was going on half of the time.....and the worse part is...The test constitutes 30% of our final grade....and there won't be any retest!!!.......crap on a stick....later on when I told him the test was damn difficult...he just gave a sly smile...you know...the kind of "Siao Ren" smile when his eyes goes all small and beady and his mustache curls up evilly.........damn lar hope that George Lam lookalike falls into a hole or something...

Then on wednesday.....came the Sales Management quiz during our SM lecture......thank the stars above that the SM quiz turned out much,much,much better than the MR common test......everything went quite well for the quiz....plus the best part of the lecture was when Koh Cheng Mun showed everybody that she actually had a sense of humor..for once....but of course her jokes are those subtle,sarcastic kind lar....and she told it with a completely serious and emotionless face......hey....wait a minute...she kinda reminds me........of........of..............ME!!!Shit.....now that's a scary thought.....

Oh and My Father's fiftieth Birthday is coming.........yes its the big Five-O!!Half a century old......wow.....time really flies.....I can still remember when he was much younger,in his early thirties.....now my father is a fairly big guy...not those super over-weight type....but those type with broad shoulders,solid thick frame and a pretty imposing figure ..........when I was five or six yrs old....he just seemed like hugest most indestructible person ever.....like Shrek or something!!sometimes when he came back from work, he would take his shirt off,lie flat on his back and he would ask me to massage him by standing on top of his back and walk up and down his back.....(You know...like what those Thai Masseuse do in massage parlors)...wow and I would be walking up and down the back of this gigantic person like I was on some human treadmill or something......and he even paid me one buck for very half and hour back-walking session....cool...one buck........thanks Dad....I would be able to open my own massage centre in maybe ......two centuries or so....

His Birthday is on October ....so now I'm cracking my head for what to get my father on his birthday.......I must get him something presentable, fairly expensive,appealing to him and something symbolic that fits the occasion.....there's one problem.....I can't figure out what that something is!! Haiz...at least I got a few more weeks to think about it.........3 decades of working,almost 7 days a week up to this day....must get something good for him........I know...Lunch at Jack's place!!no.......alittle cheap skate ......An Ang Bao!!...nope.....how stupifyingly unoriginal....damn buying presents is not my area of expertise....

I think I'm gonna make him a card though....I made an X-men card for my mum on her birthday.....did a super detailed drawing of Wolverine with every little strand of facial hair carefully drawn in.....but my mum seems confused by my card design though....she asked me:"How come there's this hairy looking creature with claws in the card saying Happy Birthday to me.....who is he??!!".........hahha....haiz I got some unused A4 drawings of SpongeBob Squarepants,Forever Friends bears,Dee Dee from Dexter's laboratory and Power Puff girls..for the Valentine cards I'm probably never gonna make for my friends...hahahha.....maybe I can recycle those drawings......wonder how my father will react to receiving a Spongbob Squarepants Birthday card for his 50th birthday??.......Dis-own me maybe...hahahaha

Alright that's enough rambling.....my Friends been telling me that my blog posts are damn bloody long....so I looked through my posts and true enough...all my posts are like freaking mini-essays or something........yo man...I provide people with Better value for their money...more bang for your buck than any other blog!!!!!.......where else could you read about the exciting adventures and exploits of characters like Poop Face and Chua Monkey......I'm like the Aunty Aggie of all blogs!!haha....

IBS=Interactive Bull Shit

My IBS teacher sucks....

You thought Mrs Koh's black face or Gilbert's Constant nipple scratching and pants pulling or Henry Koh's flair for the dramatic was bad......then you ain't seen anything yet. They all pale in comparison to my IBS teacher......Mr. CMK.....Lord almighty...he's the strictest IBS teacher of ALL!!

Now Mr CMK looks like your average Parliament Member....you know....formally dressed,nice neat hair,specs...respectable look and everything....but appearances can be deceiving cos you'll never believe the crap that comes out of his mouth man...

Dun Get me wrong...his lessons are quite okay and enjoyable at times...but he's the most bloody picky and difficult IBS teacher to deal with....First of all this guy started his reign of terror early on in the term...when we submitted the products that we wanted to sell.....guess wat he did?He rejected 18 0ut of 20 products that my class wanted to sell him....he told us that he did'nt want us to sell any type of services or completed product...,he wanted us to sell intermediate products that were components of a final product....so for e.g....you could'nt sell a bicycle but you could sell him bicycle wheels.....and when we asked him for suggestions he told us why don't we sell him horse shoes and fire-proof doors.......yeah....good thinking dude.....we could Reaaaaaaaaally talk alot about a piece of metal and a block of wood...

Then when IBS 1st call came...wow.....boy did that fella make things difficult.

First of all Chua monkee did not allow us to make any small talk at all......secondly he bombarded us with so many questions that we had to virtually cut him off in order to be able to ask him any questions....some of the people who came after me got even worse treatment....the moment they walked into the classroom .....he told them:"I'm damn busy...my client is waiting outside for me now."....so they had to really rush through their first call like nobody's business.....he told us all "For the 2nd call....I'm gonna start objecting the moment you enter.,...right to the time you leave the class."..........wow.......thanks a whole lot.....!!!

So Yesterday was the rehearsal for the 2nd call....and right off the bat, he wrote down 15 objections that he was gonna use on us and the objections he gave us were some of the most chiar lat and ridiculous stuff ever......the kind of objections that you would'nt remotely be able to overcome man....

Here's my favorite objections he used....

I'm selling Coffee Beans for my IBS so....guess what his objection was....he said "Oh You're selling coffee beans....that's great...but I changed my mind...I'm not going to sell coffee already...I'm selling Tea now."

One of my classmates was selling Beds and he said "I'm sorry ...I had bad experiences wif your company products...one of my patients slept on your bed and it caved in on him and now he's completely paralysed."

Another fella sold Water filtration systems that could produce calcium ions that facilitated the absorbtion of medicine for patients in hospitals......and Dear Old Mr Chua told her:"Oh Calcium ions.....ok....but I think having too much calcium is bad...later my kidney grow stones."

Somebody was trying to sell him bicycles and Mr Chua made him explain a whole lot of stuff then at the end of everything,he said"Oh I like your product...but I'm sorry I don't have the authority to make any prchases...it's my boss who makes this kind of decisions."...so the guy asked him"Can I set up a meeting wif your boss" and Mr Chua Replied:" My Boss is in Russia......he'll be there for the next 10 years or so.."

Poop Face was selling diapers..hahha...and Mr.Chua did something good for once.....he gave her a really ridiculous objection that left her comepletely stumped.....he told her:" I don't want to buy your diapers...I want to save cost....I think I'm just going to place all our babies naked on mattresses and let them shit and urine...that way It'll be easier for my hospital's nurses to see when the babies mess themselves..."

Can You believe that he actually said that??! He really comes up with the most nonsensical stuff you could ever think of and makes it nearly impossible to answer such stuff.......

Wow and when he objects about your product price...dun ever ask him waht is his ideal price, the girl selling mattresses got a price objection and asked him what was the price he wanted...He told her:"5 cents....and we're also looking for some charitable companies to supply us with beds for free so maybe you could help donate some"

The best part of all...he asked me what Am I gonna bring to show him for the demonstration in the second call....I said I would bring coffee in 3 different forms...coffee beans,Coffee powder and actual coffee where I will be doing a small taste test with him...he said"That's great...but when I drink your coffee...I will tell you that its sour!"

I tell you man......everybody with the surname Chua is damn chiar lat......always so difficult to handle!!hahaha

As For Today...its a boring day lar.....My parents went to Johor for my father's manager house warming party and I spent the whole day watching vcds!!Wah yesterday I bought this super hard to find movie starring Ling Jia Xin......its called tiramisu and it stars Nicholas Tse too.....got it for $2.90 only...that Ling jia xin is so adorable man......great smile,dimples and she's got those nice petite and meatier body types.....not the super paper thin,anorexic shape that so many actresses have...

I noticed a sad trend with Lin Jia Xin movies I've watched......she's this really cute,bubbly sun shine girl type but her roles are always super depressing and dun showcase her bubby personality......In Inner senses(starring Leslie Chung)...she's this girl whith mental problems and who sees ghosts all the time, in Koma(Starring Lian Jing Ru)...She's a psycho,kidney-stealing serial killer,in Tiramisu(Starring Nicholas Tse)..she pays a dancer who dies in the first 20 mins of the movie and becomes a wandering(but cute) ghost....and in The Floating Landscape(Starring Ekin Cheng) she plays a depressed girl who's boyfriend just died.......sad lar.......she's never happy in all those movies..always sad and stuff...

3 more movies and I would have watched every Ling Jia Xin Movie liao......the only 3 movies left are July Rhapsody, Truth or Dare:6th Floor rear Flat and Heroic Duo.....I already found them at IMM,jurong East and Bukit Panjang Plaza respectively.......hmmmmm.....maybe I'll buy them when I have spare cash.......Oh,Oh...and her new movie Super Model is coming out!!Must buy!!!...............alright i'm sounding like some idol-chasing primary school kid.........so I'll stop now....but she....she.....she's really so cccuuuuute.....hahaha

Haiz....wonder what time my folks gonna come back......gonna go eat my Crab Meat and Mushroom Fettucine I cooked just now...finish watching Tiramisu....and thinking nice,warm thoughts about Karena lam...hahaa....forget that last part.....

Bits and pieces

Tiring week for me so far.....

First of all....had to do the super long and tiring door to door survey for my market research module on Tuesday......25 door to door surveys to complete,plus another 5 e-mail surveys.....Went to clementi to do my survey and spent a mindnumbing 7 hrs doing the bloody thing....that's 7 hrs of my life I'm never getting back....

I went door to door, walked every single level for 7 freaking blks........just to complete 25 survey forms.....never smiled and talked so politely for such a long period of time before.....Haiz....lots of unhelpful people in Clementi......ain't nobody wanna do no stinking 3 page survey on tupperware....I probably heard the word "No" maybe ....hmmm....675 times for the duration of the 7 hrs spent on the survey!!!

Here's my favorite excuse for not doing the survey that I heard.....I approached this indian guy and asked him if he wanted to do a short survey on tupperware.......guess wat that bangla said??.......he looked at me blankly and said in perfect English:" I'm Sorry....I don't understand English.".........hmmmmm......you don't understand English huh....I see....so what the hell did you just speak to me in??......tamil?!?!......Punjabi?!!......Some bloody hip hop bangla styled slang??!........Kiss my kundi you unhelpful kunji munji!!!!!

After doing the survey.....I reached home at 7pm....took a shower and went straight to work...at 7.25....going through all the forms and typing all the data in the survey template on an excel worksheet and was getting all my friends and even my primary 4 cousin to do my e-mail surveys to meet my deadline on wednesday.....finished every damn thing at 2 am and collapsed straight onto my bed.......yes...collapsed straight on my bed....like Tony Leung in Wu Jian Dao after he got shot through his head....

Another significant thing that happened during the week was My GrandFather getting a fever...... an old person having fever is quite serious compared to a younger person getting a fever......now If I got sick?I would just rest at home and sleep through the fever....no need to even visit the doctor....but because older people have weak heart rates..diabetes and basically weaker organs and immune system,etc... having a fever means a mandatory 3-4 day stay at least at a hospital for sure....poor thing....

So I went with my parents to visit my Grand father on wednesday.........had to wear stupid face masks before entering the room because the nurses were afraid that we would pass harmful germs to my grandfather..........My Grandfather seemed pretty okay...maybe just a little blur blur...but he seemed to be quite comfortable in his room......cos he was staying at the top floor of Tan Tock Seng Hospital where all the first class,deluxe rooms were located.....so he had a fully air-conditioned room,two televisions and his own private nurse at his beck and call.........I stayed there for just 5 mins and I did'nt want to leave liao.......it was better than my room man... Its was like the Shang gri la of hospital wards......

The head Nurse came into My grandfather's room a short while after we arrived......and she was complaining to my Grand father...she said that My Grandf ather wasn't making use of his personal nurse at all for the entire day.......and that he should call for the nurse for the smallest things like getting a drink or for stuff like bathing him.....when My Grand father heard that....his eyes widened and he kep shaking his head....hahha......he did'nt want no nurse bathing him cos very pai seh.......he told us that the last time he was warded....he saw some really old cheeky guys letting the nurse bathe them.....He said in hokkien"So old liao...one leg in coffin...still dunno how to behave......still wanna be so cheeky!!"....hahhaha....everyone in the room was laughing at him.....

My Grand father is a real cute character.......he's someone who will never turn down any offer of food.....plus he's very very nice and sweet-tempered....heck...I dun think he even have any temper at all.....my Grand mother on the other hand is the no-nonsense type, quite fierce and has been scolding and nagging at him for decades....but I never seen him get angry before........plus he helps out my Granny with the house work,cooking and does all the marketing for her..hahah...what a great spouse.....

I remembered once while My father's car was turning into my Grandparent's house in Bishan.... we saw my Grand father sitting at the door steps of the Salavation Army located in front of his house......quietly sipping a packet of Coke. So we stopped the car and asked My Grand pa why in the world was he drinking outside the house when the house was like a few steps away.........he said that he hasn't drank Coke for a long time liao cos My Grand Mother will nag and scold if he takes sweet or cold drinks...so he bought himself a packet of Coke on his way back from the market....he was finishing it up before he went home....and he told us dun breathe a word to my Grand mother cos she's gonna nag him to death...hahahaha...so cute..

Hope My Grand Father gets well soon........everytime he gets a fever....he will be a little blur for a while and it take him a few weeks to get back to his usual self.........haiz..

3 days of the week left.......gotta spend my time preparing my E-marketing tutorial and my IBS second call........Marketing course is damn sian...maybe I would have been better off drawing still objects and nude models in Laselle.......to think I gave up drawing nude models to study under such "babes" like Koh Poh Tee,Wong Yoke Kuan and Florence Chia......darn it!!